Harry gets Punk'd!
by phuketrix
Summary: Ever wanted to see your favourite Harry Potter characters get Punk'd? Read the transcript of the episode we muggles were never meant to see! Ashton Kutcher hosts!


Disclaimer: 

Don't own Harry (wizard book series by J.K Rowling.) 

Don't own Punk'd (An MTV series where Ashton Kutcher plays pranks on celebrities.) 

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Harry gets Punk'd!

Note: '---Ashton' means we cut to him doing those crazy comments he does!

---Ashton: Let's get Harry Potter.

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---Ashton: Ok, Harry is like the Michael Jordan of Hogwart's Quidditch. His pride and joy is this totally awesome, top of the range, KICK ASS broom called a Firebolt. 

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---Ashton: Firebolt is Harry's only family.

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---Ashton: All he does is ride it, and polish every little bit of it with his broom servicing kit every day, man, without fail, every day!

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---Ashton: He even sleeps with his broom. Nah, I'm serious, his friend told me.

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(Cut to Interview with Ron)

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Ron: Yeah, Harry loves his firebolt.

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Ashton: Does he ever sleep with it?

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Ron: Yes ... sometimes it's on his bed.

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Ashton: And he's in the bed too?

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Ron: ...Yes.

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Ashton: Whoa, and what ...does he...like...like... hold it?

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Ron: (_Pausing_) No, not always, but yeah...sometimes...he....like....cuddles it.

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---Ashton: Cuddles????? Harry, dude, it's just a BROOM, man! That's just....wrong! 

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---Ashton: Let's punk him!

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---Ashton: Enter Dax and Al, don't they look pretty in their robes?

(_Cut to a room at the London Quidditch Club_)

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Dax: Today we play the role of Head Talent Scouts from the International Association of Quidditch! This here is a copy of the letter we sent to Harry. (Zoom into the letter) There's the envelope and the waxed seal.

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---Ashton: My God! If it's got a seal its gotta be real!

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Al: Basically we've told him we've heard he has a lot of talent as a Seeker, we're considering him as a possible trainee for the future team, that we want him to come down to the club at London Quidditch Club this Friday to, you know, get to know us and to show us what he can do.

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---Ashton: How do you not get splinters up your ass when you ride one of those things, man?

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Dax: And here is his reply. He says, yes, he's excited and he and his friend Ron will be here at two.

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---Ashton: OK, that's the easy part. Now, let's head down to the workshop.

(_Cut to a workshop_)

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Rob: Hi, I'm Rob, design manager, and our team has spent hours turning a normal broom like this one into an exact replica of the firebolt. 

(Upbeat music is played as we see the carving, shining, polishing and engraving of the words Harry Potter on the broom.) 

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Rob: Basically they are exactly alike but with one exception...the fake is made by us Muggles, so it don't have an ounce of magic in it. In short, it will not fly! 

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---Ashton: Ok, So the plan is, we get him in, talk his ego up, tell him to park his precious baby on a rack while we show him around the club, and we initiate operation SWITCH-O-RAMA.

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---Ashton: And then, we ask the little bastard to demonstrate his skills...and watch him squirm!

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---Ashton: Harry, I'm coming for _you_!

(_Cut to Harry and Ron arriving outside the London Quidditch Club. Dax and Al both shake Harry's hand._)

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Al: Welcome to the London pitch Harry. I'm Mr. Al Huffle. This is Dax Puff.

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Dax: It's an honour to meet you, Mr. Potter.

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Harry (_smiling_): Thanks. Ah...This is my friend Ron.

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Ron: Hi.

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Dax: Hi nice to meet you, Ron. 

(_They shake Ron's hand._) 

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Al: Ok, before we get on with today's schedule, I'm just going to say this straight out. We are very excited to have you here, Harry. We've heard amazing things about you, for instance, we know that you were the youngest seeker to play at Hogwarts in fifty years, was it?

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Harry: (_grinning_) Er ... it's a hundred actually.

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Al: Oh, sorry! Wow, really? A whole century, that's amazing! 

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Dax: What were trying to say is that we think you have a very high chance of playing international Quidditch in three, maybe even two years.

(_They nod in agreement._)

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Harry: (_blushing_) Get out. Really?

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Dax: (_seriously_) Why would we lie? 

(_Cut briefly to Ashton laughing in the camera room)_

(_Cut to reception area_.)

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Al: So this here's reception. That's the lounge. There's the cafeteria, its for V.I.Ps, like the families and friends of the players, and sometimes, stadium management.

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Harry: Wow. Cool. What about the players themselves?

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Dax: Yeah fer sure, fer sure. In fact I think, uh...whats his name, John or Joseph is it? The beater...

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Al: Joey. 

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Dax: That's right...Joey Jenkins from the Cannons had lunch here just the other day.

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Harry (_excited_): Really! You saw him there???

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Dax: Ah, no.

(_There is an awkward_ _pause._)

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Harry: Er...

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Dax: See actually what happened was, one afternoon, a friend of mine, Rob, walked past Joey on the street, and Joey accidentally burped in his face.

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Harry: Eww...

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Dax: Yeah it wasn't pleasant. But afterwards, me and Rob were discussing it and he told me that when it happened he smelt what was like... the priori incantantem of what he had for lunch, and that he was positive...like around 99% sure... that it was the club sandwich from this very cafeteria. 

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Harry: Ah ok then. 

(_Harry and Ron look at each other weirdly._)

(_Cut to outside the lifts._)

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Al: Damn. We we're gonna show you the first class box, but the lifts are out.

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Dax (stops walking and turns to Al): You're kidding. Again?

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Al: Yeah. 

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Dax: What about maintenance?

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Al: Won't be in till tomorrow.

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Dax: Man. (_Turns away angrily_) I knew something like this was going to happen. I'm really sorry about this guys...

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Harry: It's ok...

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Al: Dax, calm down.

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Dax: But the first class box is the highlight of the tour!

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Al: Harry again, we're really sorry about this. I guess we could take the stairs, but it is ten levels. You champs don't mind do you?

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Ron: I'm cool with it.

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Harry: Yeah sure. Oh, can I leave this somewhere first though? I mean if were going up, don't wanna be carrying it...

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Al: Sure, just leave it on that rack there, and you can come pick it up after. 

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---Ashton: Oh my god, Harry, we actually got _you _to suggest departing with your beloved broom! How good are we man? Seriously?

(_Cut to a crew member carefully switching the brooms)_

(_Cut to Al, Dax, Ron and Harry returning from the first class box_)

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Al: Ok, Harry?

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Harry: Yeah?

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Dax: You ready to show us what you can do?

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Harry: Yeah sure! 

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Dax: Great! Let's get out there!

(_Slow mo of Harry grabbing the fake broom! In his eagerness to get out to the pitch he doesn't suspect a thing_.) 

(_Cut to Quidditch pitch_)

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Al: Ok Harry. We're gonna find out exactly how good you are by first testing you with easy tasks and slowly progressing to the more advanced stuff, ok?

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Harry: Alright. 

(_Al Opens a box and removes a Snitch._)

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Al: This here's a trainee Snitch. Ok, don't be nervous. It starts easy. This one's probably half as fast as the ones you use at Hogwarts. 

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Harry (_smiling_): Okay.

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Al: We're gonna let it go, give it ten seconds to get away, and then Mr. Puff here is gonna time you to see how long it takes to catch it. For a person with your experience and training, we really shouldn't be wasting your time on these first trivial tasks, but it is International testing protocol. You'll probably have it within a minute. 

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Ron: Harry can do that easy.

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Harry: Yeah if it's half as slow as a real Snitch it should be pretty easy. 

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Al: Ok ready?

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Harry (_mounting_ _his_ _broom_): Let's go.

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Ron: Good luck, Harry.

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Al: Ok start.... NOW! 

(_Dax starts the stopwatch and Al releases the snitch._) 

(_Harry's eyes focus carefully on where the Snitch is flying._)

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Dax: ok 10 -9 -8 -7 -6 -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 -Ok Harry GO!

(_Harry sticks his chin out in the direction of the Snitch and does a little jump to take off, but to his surprise he stumbles, and does not fly! He gives Dax and Al a worried and confused look._)

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Dax: You can go now Harry! Your time's started!

(_Again Harry tries kicking off with his feet but he merely does another little jump! His face begins to redden._)

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Dax (_looking at stopwatch_): That's 14 seconds up dude, you gotta fly!

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Harry: Sorry! Uh...can we start over?

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Dax: Sorry, we can't start again, it's testing protocol, the Snitch is already out there man! If ya start now, you can still catch it! hurry!

(_Cut to a few seconds later._ _Harry tries to kick off again_) 

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Al: What's going on, brother?

(_Harry starts jumping up and down on the spot in a panic. Still the broom won't take off._)

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Ron_:_ Harry, are you okay?

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Harry: This is weird. I... can't ...get off the ground!

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Al: Uh...ok...._(to Dax) _He can't get off the ground.

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Dax: Oh...uh...does this happen often?

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Harry: No, this is the first time it's happened...

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Ron: Yeah this is really strange...at school he flies like a pro!

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Dax: (_to Harry)_ So are you maybe carrying a little holiday weight, or?

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Harry (_confused_): I don't know....

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(Cut to Ashton laughing in camera room!)

(_Cut to snitch flying in the air_.)

(_Cut back to the ground where Harry is pacing back and forth looking at the Snitch, holding his broom._)

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Harry: Uh, can we please start again? I think something might be wrong with my broom.

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Ashton (_to Dax from camera room_): Remind him his timer's ticking...

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Dax (_looking at the stopwatch_): Reaching fifty seconds now.

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Harry (_pauses_): Look, this is ridiculous. Could you just stop the timer? 

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Ashton (_to Dax from camera room_): Remind him again, remind him again!

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Dax: Fifty five seconds.

(_Harry looks angry._)

(_Cut to same scene a few seconds later._)

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Dax: Uh Harry, I don't want to seem rude, but what you're showing us at the moment isn't quite up to the high standard that International Quidditch demands...

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Harry: I fly much better than this at school! I swear!

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Dax: Sorry, it's just that I've been an international talent scout for a long time and I consider your performance more in the category of prancing/skipping... rather than flying.... Al?

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Al: Yeah.... skipping. Definitely skipping.

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Harry: No!!! I can do soooo much better than this! Listen, just come to one of my games at school, any one of them, I'll show you I can f**** fly.

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Dax: So when you say fly, how high are we talking about...

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Harry (_wiping the sweat off his forehead_): I've gone up to a hundred...

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Dax: ...millimetres or...

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Harry (_fuming_): Hey watch it!! Metres ok! I f*** swear!!!! More than a hundred metres!

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Ron: Yeah this is crazy, Harry's flown well over a hundred metres. I've seen him do it many times at Hogwarts.

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Harry: See! 

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Dax: Ok, can I just ask you a personal question here?

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Harry (_frustrated)_: What??

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Dax: Before you began your, uh, "flying sessions"... did you and your friend smoke or inhale anything, or perhaps take large amounts of prescribed ...medication? 

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Harry (_sighing_): I can't f**** believe this.

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Dax: After you uh...caught the Snitch, did you find yourself unexpectedly waking up in a bathroom with a severe headache... like naked....or...

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Harry (_shaking his head_): This is bull.

(_Cut to same scene, around a minute later_)

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Dax (_looking disappointedly at the timer_): That's the three minute mark. That'll do. 

(_Dax stops the timer, as Harry shakes his head, swearing again under his breath_)

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Al: Don't worry about it Harry, man. You tried your best. Good effort.

(_Dax takes out a card and writes on it._)

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Harry _(peering over at the card_): D-N-Q? You mean 'did not quality'??? Dude, you said so yourself, I'm the youngest f****n seeker at Hogwarts in a hundred years! I can do this! I swear... let me come back tomorrow. I'll catch ten f**** Snitches in a f**** row! I swear!

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Dax: No that won't be necessary...uh...D-N-Q ...is a good thing...it...uh stands for.......deer... nosed ...queen.

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Harry: What's that????

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Dax: It's......good.

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Harry: Hey don't give me that bull, I'm f**** fifteen I know what it means!

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Dax: (_in a low voice to Al_) We shouldn't have brought him here.

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Harry (_shrilly_!): Excuse me????? 

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Al: Common, Dax. Don't say that. That's not fair.

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Dax: I'm sorry, Al! It's just... you call me up in the middle of the night, screaming "Potential champion! potential champion!", get me all excited....bring me all the way out here on my day off....to show me this?! You know I only get, like, three days off a year right?

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Harry: But I _do _fly really well!

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Al (_to Dax_): Don't be so hard on him, man. He's probably just having an off day.

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Dax(_Raising his voice_): Look... I know new recruits aren't always consistent in their game, but for god sakes, you expect them to at least get off the f**** ground! 

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Al: Hey man, calm down.

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Dax: I could be home right now, enjoying myself with a bubble bath! I had it all planned out too, I bought the bubbles, a whole range of expensive shampoos ....the fragranced soap, the lotion ...the whole works!

(_Harry puts a hand to his head. Dax and Al are now shouting at each other!_)

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Al: Hey look I'm really sorry, but I didn't force you to come out here!!! 

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Dax: Yeah well, sorry doesn't rub the lotion on my sensitive dry skin now does it???

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Al: Oh yeah??? You want me to rub lotion on your back, you want me to rub lotion on your back??? Huh?? Huh??

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Dax: Comon!! I dare you, go on!!!

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Al: This Saturday, your place?!?!?!

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Dax: FINE!!!!!!!!!

(_Cut to same scene, a few seconds later_)

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Harry: Give me another chance...I swear... let me come back tomorrow. I swear you won't regret it.

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Dax: Oh I won't regret it?

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Harry: Yeah, I promise.

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Dax: Ok, only if you look over there.

(_Harry looks over to this side of the field where Ashton is running across with his firebolt in his hand. A huge smile spreads across Harry's face! Dax, Al and Ron begin to laugh!_)

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Ashton: Hey Harry! 

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Harry: What the hell???

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Ashton: Harry, I'm sorrym but you've been punk'd, man! You're on my hidden camera show...(_points to a hidden camera on side of the field._) Here's your firebolt man, you won't be needing that fake one!

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Harry (_shocked!_): OH MY GOD! You ***hole! You ***hole! This is warrrr man!

(_He runs at Ashton and rams into him. Ashton hugs Harry!_)

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Harry:So they're not???

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Dax: Dude, sorry to disappoint you, but I can't even spell Quidditch! (_Shakes Harry's hand_)

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Harry (_to Ron_): AND YOU???

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Ron (_laughing_): Hehehe...sorry Harry! (_they friendly tackle each other_)

(_Cut to Harry's after-thoughts_)

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Harry: Oh man, I must've looked so stupid jumping up and down on that broom!

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Harry: Damn you Ashton! 

Author's note: Hoped you liked it =) If you want to read more, review and tell me which HP character you want punk'd next!


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